U.S. Seizes Iraqi "Gold of Mass Destruction"



WASHINGTON (DPI) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said this week that U.S. military forces captured an estimated $500 million worth of weapons of mass destruction in the form of 24-karat gold bars. Although the enormous cache of pure gold bullion looked "deceptively benign" to the untrained civilian's eye, said Rumsfeld, it actually yielded yet more evidence of Saddam's evil WMD program. According to the secretary, just a single gold bar, if dropped by an Iraqi terrorist from a tall building, had the power to "destroy a mall kiosk, or to at least put one hell of a dent into a Ford Windstar."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Saipanese Seamstress Signs 4-Year, $90 Deal With Nike

SAIPAN, Northern Mariana Islands (DPI) - Helen Bugaloc, 14, a full-time sewing machine operator, was offered a record four-year, $90 contract with Nike "in anticipation of her considerable canvas-working skills," the company announced today. Bugaloc and her family accepted a transfer from the Philippines to Saipan in 1994 to take advantage of the prevalence of good sewing programs like Gap and VFS Brands and "an additional toilet break each day," she said. Bugaloc's agent, Manny Weitz, said she is "happy to be able to spend so many of her days, and many of her nights, too," working with the worldwide leader in branding. "There is also a ceiling fan," said Bugaloc.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Canadian Tourism Department Introduces "Bubble Boy" Program

TORONTO (DPI) - While claiming the health risks of visiting Canada are "overblown," officials here nevertheless introduced a new "Bubble Boy" vacation package that provides tourists with hermetically sealed transparent bubbles through which to view the nation's attractions. "We believe any vacationer can, with a little prudence, come see our beautiful country in complete safety," said Minister of Tourism Allan Rock. "The Cialis Viagra Levitra VPXL Tamiflu Soma Levitra Professional Female Viagra Viagra Professional Cialis Professional Viagra Super Active+ Cialis Super Active+ Levitra Super Active+ Female Cialis Acomplia All pills HealthMens Cialis Viagra Levitra VPXL Tamiflu Soma Levitra Professional Female Viagra Viagra Professional Cialis Professional Viagra Super Active+ Cialis Super Active+ Levitra Super Active+ Female Cialis Acomplia All pills HealthMens Cialis Viagra Levitra VPXL Tamiflu Soma Levitra Professional Female Viagra Viagra Professional Cialis Professional Viagra Super Active+ Cialis Super Active+ Levitra Super Active+ Female Cialis Acomplia All pills HealthMens